How can we set appropriate boundaries?

 Learn to say no. If you have an eating disorder, you may have a hard time saying no because it feels confrontational. You may be afraid that saying no will cause others not to like you. This is really not the case — saying no builds trust. If a person receives a ‘no’ answer and believes it, then they also know that ‘yes’ really means yes. If we are always saying yes, then we are not showing others who we really are, nor expressing our real opinions. After awhile, we may even fool ourselves.  We may not know our own truth because we are so used to automatically saying yes.

Be aware of your thoughts.  Where is your mind throughout the day?  You can’t always pick the first thought that comes into your mind, but you can chose to change it and to not dwell on it. Are you thinking positive thoughts? Thoughts that will help in your recovery? Or are you thinking negative thoughts that put yourself down, lower your self-esteem and set up another binge?

Watch out for external stimuli.  What do you read, watch on TV, listen to on the radio or see at the movies? Have you noticed some movies or music uplift you and others bring you down?  Knowing this about yourself can help balance these activities and place boundaries if you know something won’t feel right. 

Know your food preferences and triggers. Do you know which foods make you tired and sleepy? Which foods satisfy your hunger? Which foods trigger your eating disorder?  If you know a food is a trigger, or if it doesn’t make you feel good, you can choose not to eat it. If someone offers you one of these foods, you can say, “No, thank you!”  If you are not aware of this, or are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings, you disregard an important boundary.

Know your own beliefs and values. Becoming familiar with what you believe and value in life creates a sense of your own space and is an important step to true self-care.  Then, coming from your space, you can better guard this important, personal aspect of self.  You can learn to value yourself above the approval of others. 

Stand up for yourself. You decide what you are in control of and what you want to do or not do.  Setting imaginary lines can be done with statements such as, “It’s not OK for you to talk to me like that,” or “No, I don’t feel that way right now.” 

Our boundaries help to establish our real truths, which make us feel good about ourselves.  We can start by reconnecting to our inner self.  Becoming more aware of our feelings and the consequences of our actions can help us create better boundaries in the future.  Rather than turning to our eating disorder for comfort, we need to sit with the pain and decide which boundaries could have prevented the discomfort.  The better we can get at setting appropriate boundaries, the more life opens up. Then, we know we can take better care of ourselves.  This is freedom. 

 Rebecca Cooper, MFT, CEDS, is the author of Diets Don’t Work^®; a structured program to heal disordered eating.  For more information about her program, contact her at 800-BULIMIA, www.RebeccasHouse.org or www.DietsDontWork.org.