Creating Boundaries – One Step on the Path to Freedom from Disordered Eating

 Rebecca Cooper, MFT, CEDS

 Boundaries are imaginary or real lines around our physical, emotional or spiritual self that set limits for us and how we interact with others. Imaginary lines protect our thinking, feelings and behavior. Real lines allow us to choose how close we allow others to come to us, as well as if and how we allow them to touch us. Boundaries help to distinguish what our responsibilities are and are not. 

By getting to know ourselves, we can learn to set reasonable boundaries. It is hard to do this when we are not in touch with our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, likes and dislikes. When we disconnect from our wants and needs, focusing instead on weight, body image, diet and food, we lose valuable information. We also lose awareness of the inner guidance system that says “Something is wrong — a boundary needs to be set here.”

It’s hard enough to get through the pain of life, but when we block it out with food distractions, we never learn how to take care of ourselves. Because our thoughts have been directed away from the hurt or pain to obsessive eating disordered thinking, we lose awareness of what caused the hurt or pain in the first place and, most important, how these situations could be avoided in the future.

 What can cause a lack of boundaries?

 People with eating disorders often have a poor sense of boundaries and a hard time saying no. Let’s say someone pressures you into going to a place where you feel very uncomfortable. If you are disconnected from your wants and needs, you won’t know what you really want to do.  Everyone wants to be liked and accepted, so we say yes, rather than setting a boundary such as, “No, I don’t want to go there.”

Now we are already feeling uncomfortable being in this situation, so our thoughts start to focus on food instead of dealing with the real feelings at hand.  “Should I eat? Shouldn’t I eat? What should I eat? What are people going to think if I eat?”  All these obsessive thoughts start running through our heads. Then we start beating ourselves up for the eating disorder, instead of recognizing the steps to prevent these discomforting feelings in the first place. 

Many of us use distractions to avoid looking at our own self.  We may find a false sense of satisfaction in taking on other people’s tasks or trying to control situations. Our sense of worth can get so caught up in giving that we don’t realize our own duties, feelings and responsibilities are being neglected.

When we begin to feel the stress from overcommitting ourselves or trying to control situations, we may turn to the eating disorder to ease our inability to do everything perfectly. This may cause us to feel very tired, frustrated, unappreciated and unloved. When we think we have to do something in order to be loved, we can never do enough.  Other people are often not grateful that we have taken over their responsibilities and may feel as if they are inadequate or being controlled by our desire to help.